In These Days

So much has transpired these last few months.
I feel so much a part of .... a purpose.
I feel increasingly drawn to my Lord.
I feel increasingly burdened for His lost sheep.

Rwanda.
Homeschooling.
Missions in general.
The Truth.

I can hardly wrap my head around it but still I am anxious for more!

Our country is so desperate for something to count on, yet we (generally speaking) completely spit in the face of the One who provides exactly what our hearts long for!  How can this be?
Meanwhile, most of the world lives so far below the poverty lines that 25,000 people a day die from hunger related causes.
There are 147 million orphans in the world, desperate for a love.  Christians, where are you? You who have the never ending love of the Father, the love of God that spills out overflowing, where are you?

Can you imagine our country if every professing Christ-follower took responsibility for the lost and hurting people.  If we truly made it our life's mission, all of us, to share the love of Christ with all that we have?  Would there be any hunger?  Would there be any poverty?  Would there be any orphans?  If we lived and loved fully dependent on our Lord, fully engaged in our homes and in our communities?  What if a church existed, where every able bodied family adopted an orphan?  I'm not talking everyone with a big savings account and more income than they could spend, I'm talking every family with a mother and a father, maybe other children, maybe not.  Lets go back deeper, what would the church look like if men loved their wives as Christ loved the church?  What would it look like if men lead the home and women humbly submitted to their authority?  What if parents lead by example to their children and did life with them, not apart from them?  What if we took our own personal debt seriously and every Christian aggressively paid off their debt till there was none? What if women were the picture of godly femininity?  What if a mother and homemaker was a respected vocation?  What if we fled temptation and guarded our hearts against evil?  What if we forgave as we've been forgiven?  Can you imagine such an existence this side of heaven?  I can! I want to anyways, I want to be a part of a revolution where the Truth is not masked or watered down but given in its entirety and received with humility!  I want our country to turn 180 degrees on its heels and I believe the key to this is very simple.  For Christians to start acting like Christians.

Think about it.  If this were to happen, then there would be such a stark contrast between us and the rest of the world (as God desired there to be) that people would surely sit up and wonder.  Why are they so kind?  How are they able to forgive?  Where does that peace come from?  We hold ourselves to such high standards, and to an outsider it seems like an abundance of rules, but the joy and the peace found on the believer shines so bright and so strong that people are drawn, inexplicably, they are pulled in by this strange notion of grace and mercy, they are won over without words, but then they choose to step into that light, and they get it.  You can't explain it, but you CAN get it.  Oh, that people would get it!

We don't need more classes on how to be a Christ follower.  We are taught to death, I feel.  We need to go and be and do!  Act!  We don't need to hear "Everything in Moderation" we need non-believers to say of us "Aren't you taking this to the extreme?" and we say "Yes!! Yes!!  Because its THAT important!"
We need a commitment to be rooted in the Word, to humble ourselves before our maker, to do as the spirit leads, to walk by faith.  We need to fall into bed every night exhausted but also completely on empty because we have given each day our absolute all- nothing held back, nothing reserved for ourselves.  This is the church I long to be a part of.  This is the bride I believe the bridegroom desires.

Lord, let it be.

Here I Am, Send Me

More.
More churning of the heart.
More knotting of the stomach.
More tears that threaten eyes.
More anxiousness to do something. Anything.
Lord, send me.
Take my life as an offering.

Rwanda.  I commit.
Summer of 2012.
Rwanda.  I search.
I beckon my heart to be pierced.
It comes swiftly and I'm broken.
Broken hearted for a broken world.
For a lost and lonely people.
For stomachs that knot and hearts that churn and tears that threaten
for food and clean water and medicine and hope.

What will come of this.
I read. Kisses from Katie.
Her heart was shattered for Uganda, for the children.
She was ruined from the states.
Oh, I see this in my future.
I'm halfway there.
I cannot hardly do anything at all without thinking of them.
The children who will die today of malnutrition.

I will go to Rwanda.
And I will be ruined.
I have no idea what will happen after this.
But I cannot wait.  I cannot wait.
Its in His will and I feel it in the marrow of my bones.
He spoke it to me weeks ago as I prayed.
I have a piece of you in Africa, go get it.
I have a piece of your story.  Of your children's story.
Go, experience, feel, taste, see, hear, smell.
Retrieve.
Return, and be changed forever.

Deepish Thoughts

I feel quite reflective lately.
A sweet girl I know, quite young, become a mother recently.
Part of me feels like something has come full circle.
It was just over 11 short years since I sat in those shoes.
A teen mother.
Wow.
When I look back time has passed so swiftly yet the years have been so full.
God has revealed much, but I know I have much still to learn.
And that I ought to be much further along in my understanding, only I have kept myself from it.

But still, what have I learned?
What could I pass on to a young person who is in that place that I was.
Scared.  Humbled.  Still stubborn and naive to life.
Wanting to know right, but not fully prepared for the extent for which God would like to take me.

If I could impart this one thing: GROW.  Chase your Lord, though the Lord does not run from us.
Dear teenager, pursue Him passionately, as you would study to get your license, practice to make the sports team, or w/ the energy you put into getting noticed by that boy/girl you like.  Dive into the Word, and don't come up until its pierced your soul.  Do hard things and practice what you read.
Secondly, for this young mom, I would have to say, surround yourself with godly women and men.  Seriously, a new mom, a mom of young children, and especially a young new mom of young children is in such a vulnerable place.  Energy and emotion is sucked dry with the caretaking of an infant, and that leaves a girl's soul wide open to the enemy.  This is no time to be taking advice from well-intentioned (or not) but clueless friends either not in that situation or worse, they are.  If narrow is the road that leads to heaven, the road for a teen mom is even narrower.  When she hasn't had the opportunity to mature fully or grasp a more rounded perspective on life, then things become askew.  I used to feel lonely as I was the only person around me my age going through what I was going through and I had many "mother hens" imparting their "wisdom" warranted or not.  But now I see with gratitude that God's hand was guarding me, sparing me the misguided guidance of my fellow youth.  Here He strategically used older Titus 2 women to set examples.  What a blessing.  And I was willing most of the time to learn from them.  I thank God for giving me a desire to learn, and through the birth of my daughter, the understanding that I don't know it all.

And I have learned through looking back, the power of prayer, as I know many people were praying for me, so I gladly fall to my knees to intercede on this girls life and that of her child and her child's father, knowing fully that God will honor these prayers, because it is the desire of His heart as well to draw this little family unto Him.

On Missions

  Something happens in my stomach when I consider the ministry of the Lord.  Its difficult to describe but I liken it to a churning, gut-deep, kneading like bread in the pit of my belly.  You know when you are in an all out, sobbing-out-loud cry, and as you release that sob from your breath and in doing so, you feel it in your core.  This sounds so dramatic, but this is what I feel when I consider the lost in this world.  Whether it be in regards to nations so poverty-stricken that many of us would not even consider staying a night in their richest homes, or when I think about the Americanized Christianity that thinks themselves saved and thinks themselves to know the Lord and are grossly missing the mark.  To paint an accurate picture, I'm not huddled in the corner of my closet in the fetal position with puddles of tears and puffy red eyes, literally.  But I dare say my heart feels that way.  I've never understood the cultural act during Biblical times of shaving ones' head and tearing ones' clothes and covering ones' self in ashes out of angst and mourning, but I feel as though my heart understands it, even if my head can't wrap around it.  To know Jesus Christ, and Him glorified.  There is NO other joy than this.  There is NO other fulfillment of the hole in our souls than this.  And to know there is anyone who walks this life without that fulfillment shatters my heart.
  How then shall I live?
  In the church sermon yesterday, the guest speaker singled me out and pierced me with these words "We are not doing right."  Amen! Yes, Lord! Have I not said as such!  My heart cried out in wild agreement and then he drove the spear deeper and listed WHO is not doing it right, and WHO there is a purpose in God's mission for.  Among them, he lists "housewife."  Ouch, Lord.
  But, How then shall I live?
  What am I to do?
  Feeling this burden is right, but I just don't know what to do with it.

Not A Fan

I've been reading a book by Kyle Idleman called "Not A Fan" about what it looks like to be a completely committed follower of Jesus Christ.  This is a conviction I have wrestled with practically since my own salvation 15 years ago.  Even as a teenager, and quite a rebellious one, there was this ever present whisper in the back of my mind that said, "Its all or nothing."  Any amount of Scripture you read would back this up.  It's a truth that I think is rarely preached about, and if so, in a light-hearted, stroke your ego type manner.  God did not die on the cross so we could have fun, do our own thing, and shout Hallelujah and Amen when our team wins a ball game.

This is such a sensitive topic for me.  #1) It gets me so fired up at the injustice we are doing our LORD and SAVIOR with our mediocre luke warm lives.  #2) 99% of the time I feel like I'm pretty much alone in this conviction which makes it really really really hard to act in accordance with it.  #3) I know that I am not doing everything I could do to live in accordance with it.  Perhaps the saying is true that the characteristics that frustrate us the most in other peoples lives are often the ones we wrestle with the most in our own lives.

Right now my Bible sits opened to 1 John 2.  Glancing down, I read "Whoever claims to live in Him must walk as Jesus did" (v.6) and "Do not love the world or anything in the world" (v.15).
See, my heart tells me that my life's purpose is to do the will of God, to serve Him wholeheartedly, 100% entirely, and in doing so, love others.  No exceptions.  No excuses.  I am called to live on less, and give generously.  I am called to deny myself, and become less.  I am called to forgive as I have been forgiven.  I am called to let go of the trappings of this world, flee temptations, and do hard things.

And in response, I hear from the enemy, through thought or through someone in my life, "Don't go overboard." "God wants you to be happy, to enjoy life."  Yes, but I'll only TRULY enjoy this life if I surrender it.  And can you worship God with your life too much?

Years ago, a pastor from our church spoke a brief testimony about his recent missions trip to Greece.  The only part of that I remember was when he said, "I wondered how I'd share Jesus Christ with people who already believe they new Him."  I guess that stuck with me, because I see it everywhere.  I want so desperately to be a light in my community, but it seems as though nobody has the slightest clue they are in the dark.

Just now a Scripture comes to mind, "Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth."
Dear Lord, I have no desire to inherit the earth, but truly, I want others to.  I just want them to know you as I know you and to love you because you are worthy of all love.

For me, it always comes back to this: I am just a simple housewife/homemaker/mother of young children.  Uneducated, in a small corner of a grossly rich and largely ignorant country.  I live on a culdesac, in a pretty tame neighborhood, what could I possibly do to help anyone?

He is made strong in my weakness.  Thank God for that.

How To Face Disappointment

I feel like much of my believing life has been a shuffle of taking 3 steps forward and then 2 steps back.  I have recognized this and have been earnestly seeking to remedy it.  The enemy deploys his usual antics, and I am learning to recognize his evil hand in it, and resist the temptation.  The talons dig deeper, and I'm learning to grip tighter to the Almighty.

Still, despite the consistency of this faith dance...  well, lack of faith dance, I always manage to let myself get comfortable, feeling like "things are finally going alright," forgetting that life does not have a cruise control.  Not a life lived as a follower anyways.

So, the suckerpunch hits me square in the gut.  The legs of my well propped pedastool fling from beneath me, and I find myself asking "what just happened?" and in the same breath knowing the answer.

Oh, its nothing catastrophic.  Comparatively.  And in part, I'm thankful for the hit.  I know better than to be up there, that is no place for me.  So, here I sit.  Tailbone throbbing, wind leaving lungs, reminded, humbled.  And heart hurting.  What now?  How to respond? What do you do when your hurting?  I crave tangible steps.  I crave the ears, the shoulder, the heart of a mentor to speak wisdom to me.  But God has reserved this place for Himself in this season, and so I grip His robes, wanting to look into His all-knowing eyes and find answers, but feeling too broken to even turn my face to Him.

The enemy says resent.  Feel the soothing icyhot of self pity and bitterness.  Disappear into a wonderland daydream of what ifs and if onlys.  But no.  Not this time.  Feet planted firmly.  This time I won't allow the thoughts to tarry.  I grab the leatherbound gift of His presence and curl into those robes I cling to and let Him soothe me with His words, His wisdom, His shoulder.  I read till I can read no more.  What do I read, specifically?  Last night it was mostly Psalms, 2 Peter, some of Acts.  Mostly there is no rhyme or reason.  Its not what He says, its simply hearing His voice that comforts.

I fall asleep to the sound of His voice echoing in my soul.  Not audible, no such restriction as that.  But His words on my heart have their own tone and pitch that even trained ears cannot recognize.  I awaken with that same voice on heart, life words reach my lips from within.  But temptation has not cowarded so quickly, and this is no surprise, but I'm rested and rooted.

Give us this day our daily bread.

thinks that i've thunk

* What does God think about competition?  Healthy in moderation? Shouldn't we not compare?  Is our competition with others, or with ourselves what matters?
* Thankful for God's answer to pray, that my love for my husband would continuously increase, when through my own evil desires, I'm inclined towards criticism
* The way many of us are most receptive to absorbing knowledge at the beginning of the day, as I watched a neighborhood child this morning, normally restless in nature, sit and listen to our morning devotion, reaffirming how the ideal time for devotional is in fact, in the mornings.
* This Scripture has been continuously on my heart this past year, "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.  Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you.  Away from me, you evildoers." - Matthew 7:21-23  I fell like we would all be wise to consider very seriously our relationship with the Almighty God, and consider which Gospel we claim to believe, and what we are truly living as truth.
* Last night I lay in bed considering the fact that I spent the last hour of my day shuffling between Pinterest and Facebook when LITERALLY there are/were people in the world running for their lives/ being tortured/ risking everything for His Names' Sake.  Sometimes, I don't know how to live, I feel so trapped by the trappings of this world, and wish so severely that I could truly let them go.  Help me, Lord Jesus.

November!

I'm so delighted that it is November!
To be honest, I dread Halloween.  The drama of working out costumes, the glorification of all things evil, though I would say 90% of people celebrating this day are unaware they are doing that.  And lets not forget the 30lbs of candy that sits 3 feet from me right now!  Tempted? You bet I am.  But more than that I find myself disgusted by the sight of it.  That much candy has no business being under my roof.

I've been reading through Leviticus in my Bible reading plan.  The dreaded parts of the old testament that spell out offerings and sacrifices and rules and laws that God set for His people.  I praise Him for my life post-resurrection, that I am not bound by those rules.  But I have also been praying for insight beyond the weighty repetitive nature of the passages, and one major theme has stuck with me through it all.

God protects.
So many of these laws were set to protect the Lord's chosen people from themselves, from the enemy, and from disease.  The strict dietary guidelines, when considering a time that was before refrigeration, before knowledge of bacteria and many diseases, was His way of keeping the Israelites from unneccessary illness.  The many guidelines for relationships, when considering a time when marrying within the family and heinous sexual habits were rampant, God sets His people apart, preserving family relationships, and keeping from many birth defects, diseases, and other issues.
When you read through this part of Scripture in light of how God is protecting his naive and ignorant people, knowing their propensity for sin, its not quite God putting all kinds of limitations on what you can do, but God protecting His beloved children from what they do not see and understand.

This morning as I read Leviticus 20:26 (and this verse is consistent of the previous couple of chapters) which says: "You are to be holy to me because I, the Lord, am holy, and I have set you apart from the nations to be my own."  Glance at mountain of candy.  This is what I believe the Lord is leading me to:  God has set apart His people for a purpose.  I believe that we are to intentionally and actively set the bar of standards very high.  We are to be pure, spotless, without defect.  This is an impossible task, but one that we should no relinquish our strain for.  As God was establishing His people, He made laws that would set them apart from everyone around them.  They would be so much more healthier, more disciplined, more righteous, fair, loving, and God-honoring than any other people group so that everyone would see and know that their God was THE GOD.  As means of being salt and light, I believe we should do the same.  "Be holy, because I, the Lord your God, am holy."  Glance at mountain of candy.

So many verses are coming to mind right now,
"Consecrate yourselves, before the Lord"
"Honor the Lord with your body"
"I beat my body and make it my slave..."

Glance at mountain of candy.  To refine our diets within my household not for the purpose of weightloss or any other reason, but of supreme health and out of direct obedience to the Lord knowing "You are not your own, you were bought with a price..." that seems to be the direction the Lord has been leading me now for weeks and now I see the greatest purpose for it: Him.